


Sburb Fortress 2

by LuccaArce



Category: Homestuck, Team Fortress 2
Genre: Complete Bullshit, Exiles, I said POSSIBLY, Piss, Possibly a romantic relationship between some characters, SBURB, Silly Computer games, aged-down characters, pesterchum, steam
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-25
Updated: 2013-07-08
Packaged: 2017-12-12 23:16:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/817207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuccaArce/pseuds/LuccaArce
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A take on a Team fortress/homestuck crossover</p><p>Thanks to Krubby and renegadeMessiah for the inspiration c:</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Meet the Sniper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It BEGIIINS

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**A young boy stands in his room. It just so happens that today, the 24th of April is this young**

**man's birthday. Even though it was 14 years ago he was given life, it is only today he will be given**

**a name! What will his name be?**

_YOU ENTER "BIGHEAD PISSTHROWER"_

That is  **NOT** his name! The young man frowns in response.

_"Rick Mundy"_

Now that's more like it! 

Your name is RICK, and you are 14 years old. As previously mentioned, it is your birthday. In your room, a number of MEDICAL-THEMED CAKES are scattered around. On the wall, are nailed several CS:GO POSTERS. You have a passion for HORRIBLE GAMES, and you love playing with the SNIPER. You also love SAFARI MOVIES and FISHING. You use the HORRIBLE GAMING PLATFORM called STEAM. Your Tag is Professional Killer, and you profile pic is an SNIPER AIM SYMBOL. You live in ADELAIDE, AUSTRALIA, with your DAD. You don't like people that classify you as "A psycho kid". Killing is much more than crazyness to you, it's art. You are also tryin to learn KARATE, but you suck at it.

 You are currently waiting for the BETA VERSION of a HIGHLY ANTECIPATED GAME, SBURB.

What will you do?

First, you think about the cakes. Your father made so many of them this morning that you are completely SICK of it. You examine your posters. One of them is a big Sniper V2 poster. This was clearly the best game ever made. You loved popping the heads of so many Germans. Bloody Germans. They are all stupid. (Except your dad, he is alright.) A big Steve Irwin (RIP) poster was gifted to you by your father this morning. You recently nailed it to the wall, and now it is proudly displaying Australian Greatness. You gotta thank him for that, at least he got something right. Suddenly, you hear the infamous Steam noise, pointing that you have a message:

 

 

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: QUICK HOW DO I GET THROUGH TEST CHAMBER 3 CHAPTER 2 PORTAL 2

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: THIS FREKING ROBOT IS MAKING FUN OF ME

Professional Killer: U wot m8

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: DON'T SPEAK AUSTRALIAN WITH ME, YOU MAGGOT

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: AND HELP ME ALREADY

Professional Killer: You know I dont play portal

Professional Killer: Its too complicated

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: AASFJASKDJAS NOW I HAVE TO ASK CROUTONS HOPE YOURE HAPPY

Professional Killer: Always a pleasure to help m8

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: ALSO

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: DID YOU GET THE FREAKING BETA YET

Professional Killer: No did u?

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: NEGATORY

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: I BET GABEN IS TAKING ONE BY ONE OUT OF HIS LARGE ASS AND SENDING TO THOSE WHO LOOK LIKE RICH AUASHDAU

Professional Killer: Ok m8

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: MAYBE IT ARRIVED NOW GO CHECK YOUR MAILBOX

Professional Killer: Nah

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: PLEASE DUDE

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: CROUTONS WONT STOP BOTHERING ME ABOUT IT

Professional Killer: Fine

Professional Killer: You owe me one m8

Professional Killer is now away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You stand up and look out of the window. The red thingy is up, but your father just got home.

You sigh. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I bet you cant guess what happened at 24th of april!
> 
> made some slight changes, Sniper v2 pic removed due to copyrights :C


	2. Dad Medicine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ricky faces his crazy daddy.

Professional Killer: My dad just arrived 

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: SO 

Professional Killer: I dont want to talk to him 

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: SISSY 

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: YOU CANT EVEN FACE YOUR DIDDLY-DADDLY 

Professional Killer: You dont know him Janey 

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: DONT SAY MY FIRST NAME FHAJDHASKD 

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: ALRIGHT NUMNUTZ ILL GIVE YOU A FEW TIPS ON HOW TO BEAT THIS CRAZY KRAUTZ YOU CALL DAD 

Professional Killer: Thx m8 

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: FIRST YOU HAVE TO OPEN YOUR REAL WORLD INVENTORY 

Professional Killer: Uh 

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: TRY KICKING YOURSELF IN THE NUTS 

Professional Killer: Wai no oh it opened 

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: PERFECT WHAT ITEMS DO YOU HAVE 

Professional Killer: I have this kukri i got at a bushman meeting 

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: WOW YOU SUCK AT THIS 

Professional Killer: Shut up i bet u dont have *ANYTHING* 

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: SHOVE THOSE *S UP YOUR ASS 

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: MY BRO TAUGHT ME A FEW TRICKS, HE KNOWS EVERYTHING 

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: NOW PUT YOUR KUKRI IN YOUR MELEE SLOT AND SEND PICS OF HOW DID IT TURN OUT 

Professional Killer: Uh 

Professional Killer: Like this? 

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: BWAHGWBAGW YOU ARE SO UGLY 

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: AND LOOK AT THAT DUMB BUSHMAN HAT 

Professional Killer: Shut up its awesome 

Professional Killer: Also do you think I should put a disguise too? 

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: WHAT 

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: WORDS FAIL ME 

Professional Killer: Hold on Bond is contacting me 

 

 

You sigh again. It sure is annoying to be popular.

Bond James Bond: I have found out through American sources that you are in possession of the long-awaited Sburb. 

Professional Killer: Jane told you that eh? All lies m8 

Bond James Bond: The source also said that you were about to face the maniac who you call dad. 

Professional Killer: Whoa u speak just like Solly 

Professional Killer: And still u 2 r like cat and dog 

Bond James Bond: I can't be a friend of someone who WON A NOSE PICKING CONTEST. 

Professional Killer: Yea yea off to ww2 now brb 

Bond James Bond: Rick. 

Professional Killer: wot 

Bond James Bond: You are wearing your Promotional Cap and that thing you call "Marxman" right now, aren't you? 

Professional Killer: No 

Bond James Bond: Perfect. Good to see someone who is still sane. 

 

 

He didn't even notice, you are probably one of the best pranksters ever.

You open the door of your room, which leads to the hallway. On the left is your bathroom, while your Dad's room is at the right. You can't go in there. God know what kind of weird organs he keeps stocked up for his "experiments". On the walls, are portraits of great Doctors of the world. You see Sigmund Freud, Friedrich Nietzsche, and uh... Josef Mengele? 

Going down the stairs leads to the living room. The smell of cake and body parts comes from the kitchen. Your father must be at it again. On the shelves are various Sculptures and collectibles of Medics, Medicine stuff and his goddamn collection of BONESAWS. God you hate those. You stop at the front of the fireplace to look up at the ashes of Grandpa Heavy. He fought bravely at WW2 and killed many germans with his weapon called "Sasha", a Minigun that your Dad keeps in his room. He was a great man. You wish you would've met him.

You are equipped with one (1) Marxman Beagle Puss, one (1) Promotional Cap (you got it by pre-ordering CS:GO) and one (1) Kukri. You can do this Rick. You open the door. The smell of cake and blood infiltrates your nose. You see the man. In a robe, cutting something on the sink. He turns around, gives you a good look and opens his mouth:

"HELLO, FRAULEIN!!!"

He uncovered your clever disguise! There is no time to lose, you pull your Knife out and walks toward him. Quick as a german rocket, he hurls one of his dead-cake things at you, and you split it into half with your knife. You get impressed with yourself. Your father throws one of his bonesaws and you barely evade it. He lets out a triunphant "HA!" as you get hit on your face by a bloody cake. You fall down to the ground, your face full of Cake mix and a thing that looks like a kidney. As he laughs like there is no tomorrow, you look around: On the top of the table, is an Envelope with "SBURB" written on it. On a quick motion, you throw your Marxman at him for distraction, grab the envelope and ALMOST DESTROYS THE DOOR WHILE GOING OUT OF THE ROOM

You made it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BADLY FUCKING EDITED PICS, I KNOW


	3. SBURB

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little organization after kitchen follies.

You run up to your room, ignoring all the cake mix and blood dripping from you. After throwing your objects on the bed, you close the door behind you and start opening your stuff. Looks like that taped to the envelope is a card. It says "FROM: JD TO: AUSTRALIAN MAGGOT".

Wow Jane. Really mature. You figure it's better if you open Janey's card first.

DEAR MAGGOT,

WOW SO ITS YOUR BIRTHDAY. RIGHT. IT ONLY MEANS YOU LIVED ENOUGH TO SEE THE EARTH ROTATE AROUND THE BIG ORANGE BALL 14 TIMES, AND NOW, IT IS EXACT IN THE SAME POSITION AS IT WAS WHEN YOU WERE POOPED. HAHA, GOT IT I CHANGED POOP WITH BORN HAHAH FUCK YOU. SO, HERE IS A LIL' SOMETHING FROM YOUR GOOD OL' PAL. ENJOY THAT SHIT, NUMNUTZ.

Taped to the card, is a little badge which says "License to Maim". Wow, isn't that from Sam & Max and OH MY GOD, THERE IS A CERTIFICATE OF AUTHENTICITY TOO, THIS IS THE BEST GIFT EVER.

You really gotta thank the Potato-Head later, he may be a stupid wanker, but he is your best friend.

Looks like someone contacted you on Steam:

Leader of Fire Nation: Happy BIrthday Snipesss <333

Leader of Fire Nation: Oh you're away

Leader of Fire Nation: Ill talk to you later ;33

Leader of Fire Nation has changed their name to Person Obsessed with fire.

Person Obsessed with fire has changed their name to Pyromaniac.

Pyromaniac is now Offline.

Silly Pype's with his/hers obsession of changing names every 30 seconds. You can't stop feeling bad for her/him, after you found out about his/her little problem. Poor kid. 

Well, a little less conversation and a little more acting! You get the brown paper envelope, open it, and a White CD with a weird Globe thing in it pops out. No manuals or anything else, weird. Well, nevertheless, you open the CD-case and put it in.

The screen starts loading, a lot of weird words appear on-screen on the instalation, like, "PARSING GAME INFO".

While it loads, you take a look out of the window. Your father just left again, he probably went to a cemetery to get more "ingredients". The sun starts shining a lot in this particular moment.

The sound of birds chirpings echoates through the big wheat fields that surround your house. Being the only person in a radius of Kilometers isn't easy. The sound of the wind going through the wheat makes your ears relax of all the racket you were in.

"If you really love nature, you'll find beauty in everything, even apples" - Eddie Murphy.

You don't know how this relates to anything, but you are almost certain that Eddie said that. Great artist.

The screen loads, and "SBURB" is displayed on the screen. It also says "Retrieving Server Info" 

WOT.

Bond James Bond: Good, I see you got the game.

Bond James Bond: I am sending my server info to your computer so that we can play together.

Professional Killer: Ooooh dats apples m8

Professional Killer is now playing Sburb (BETA) Click here to join his session.

It says "Server Found". It begins now.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT BEGIIIINS  
> this one came out short i guess. welp


	4. Meet The Spy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the Meet the Spy chapter, we Meet the Spy

Bond James Bond: Hello.

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: DIE

Bond James Bond: Listen to me.

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: NOPE

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF HOW MUCH I HATE FRANCE RIGHT NOW

Bond James Bond: Why is that? 

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: BECAUSE YOU LIVE THERE

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: BOOM

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: PUNCHLINE

Bond James Bond: Oh, please. 

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: DAUDHDNSADKWNUDAH YOU SPEAK SO CLEVERLY IT MAKES ME ANGRY

Bond James Bond: SHUT UP FOR A SECOND AND LISTEN TO ME YOU INCOMPETENT COWARD.

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: Oh fine.

Bond James Bond: Alright. This game we're gonna play is for 4-9 players. We would like you to be our third player.

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: RIGHT, WHEN YOU NEED TO ASK SOMETHING, OF COURSE YOU COME RUNNING TO JANEY

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: TYPICAL

Bond James Bond: Come on, I heard you also got it?

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: WELL

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: I KINDA LOST IT

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: HOWEVER 

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: MY BRO ALSO GOT ONE

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: MAYBE I COULD ASK HIM

Bond James Bond: Good, go do that now.

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: HAHAHA I WAS JOKING NUMBNUTZ

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: HE WILL PROBABLY RAPE ME IF I ASK HIM

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: OR TALK TO HIM

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: OR LOOK AT HIM

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: OR BE IN THE SAME PLANE OF EXISTENCE AS HIM

Bond James Bond: I got it, your Bro is awesome, and blah blah blah.

Bond James Bond: Go ask him now.

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: SDKJAKDAJDAK

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS: FINE

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS:AT LEAST HE IS BETTER THAN YOUR FATHER LOL

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS:FREAKING DRUNK NICK FURY

Bond James Bond: Please.

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS is now Away.

 

It is a rainy day in Toulouse, France. In the middle of the woods, near an old abandoned factory is a big house. In this big house, there is a boy and his father. This day, the 24th of April means nothing to this boy but the birthday of a friend. What will the name of this boy be?

"ALLEY-SKULKING BACKSTABBER"

No, this is ridiculous. This boy's name is... uh... erm... Well, I don't know. Only the boy itself and his father know it. But he likes to be referred as the "Spy'

Your name is SPY. You live in the middle of the woods with your father. You have an attraction to everything Spy-related. Your room is filled with James Bond posters, including a big bust you had sent to you as a birthday present by Rick. Your Melee slot has a BUTTERFLY KNIFE attached to it, that is extremely efficient in taking out foes when they're unaware. Which never happened before, because you are not in a war.

What will you do?

Of course, you were playing a game with Rick.

Bond James Bond: Alright, the game started. I see your room, and a human I presume it's you.

Professional Killer: Do you like my Bushman hat m8

Professional Killer: Jane said it looked dumb

Bond James Bond: Well, I...

 

That hat is hideous.

Bond James Bond: Looks fine. let's focuse on the game.

 

You move your mouse to the screen. The are several windows that can be opened by clicking. You open the one that says "Expansion". You apply it to the corner of Rick's house.

Professional Killer: Whoa m8

Professional Killer: My house just literally *EXPANDED* here

Bond James Bond:Yes, I did that. Looks like it wasted a bit of our "Building Grid" though. We have to find new ways of acquiring more of that. 

Professional Killer: Ok m8

 

There also other several others kinds of building points on the menu, but you don't want to waste time on that right now.

You open the building menu.

Bond James Bond: I'm going to deploy something on your house now. They're called "Totem Lathe", "Cruxtruder" and "Alchemiter".

Professional Killer: Uh

Professional Killer: I have no idea how to

Bond James Bond: I know. We'll see about that later.

 

You move the mouse on top of the badge on Rick's bed. It's selectable. You click it, and move it around.

Bond James Bond: Well, this is nice, I can use the cursor to pick up stuff  around your house.

Professional Killer: Nice but what do I do now?

 

Bzt. With that sound, your computer blacks out. Oh merde, you knew you shouldn't have bought a MAC. There is heavy rain out there, and all the lights in your house are off. 

You sigh.

Bond James Bond is now Offline.

 

THAT WANKER, WHY WOULD HE LEAVE YOU LIKE THIS?

Meh, you may as well answer your other Steam Friends.

Pyromaniac: Sniiipes??

Professional Killer: Oi

Pyromaniac: HAPPY BIRTHDAY SNIPES :DDD

Pyromaniac has changed their name to <3 Snipes.

Professional Killer: Thx m8

Professional Killer: Its not a big deal though

<3 Snipes: :O

<3 Snipes has changed their name to >:(.

>:( : Of course it is!

>:( : Its your birthday!

>:( : You should go ask your dad to bake you a big cake with a candle on the top! Hmm candle...

Professional Killer: My dads cakes arent know for quality though

>:( : Btw your birthday present is on the way! It may be there soon, you know how long it takes from Madagascar to Australia!

Professional Killer: Yeah

Professional Killer: Im playing this weird game right now

>:( : Really? 

>:( : Wait

>:( : There was a noise out there

>:( : The lemurs are running and shrieking

Professional Killer: Maybe they are moving it moving it lol

>:( : That joke wasn't funny even the first time you made it

Professional Killer: I know sorry

>:( : Im going to check on that, and I may encounter Grandpa on the way, so maybe it'll take a while

Professional Killer: I still can't believe you are granddaughter/son to the great Archeologist Paleontolgist Billionaire Explorer Adventurer D.Conagher

>:( : Meh it's not a big deal :/

Professional Killer: Btw pypes

Professional Killer: Could you tell me now if you are a girl or a boy?

>:( : Would't you like to know ;3

>:( has changed their name to Pyro (AFK)

While Spy is away, you might aswell look into the new weird machines he dropped on your house.

Well, no point staying here like an idiot. It's time to act. You are gonna have to go to the roof, where the generator is, and get energy to help Snipe's out. And the chances that you will meet Father on the way are of 87%. Time to move. 

  


	5. Freaking Drunk Nick Fury

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> YOUR ASS IS GRASS AND IM THE GRASSMAN
> 
> Also dont forget to tell me if you see any errors ^^

 

 

 

You enter the hallway. The lights are all out, and a fierce storm is upon your house. On your left, are the stairs, while on the right, is your father's room. You are not allowed to go there, but you wouldn't go even if you had permission. You walk silently through the hallway with your stylish shoes, that you bought yourself. (Your dad says it's girly) Upon reaching the stairs, a big thunder suddenly crashes through the sky, and in the moment the light of eletricity fills up the hallway behind you, you see him. All dressed in some boots, a cape, (something that looks like something you would see in a Medieval movie) his Jimmy Hendrix hat, his eyepatch and his trademark bottle on the left hand. Upon seeing this creepy figure, you quickly go down the stairs without looking back. 

You are now at the entrance hall. A huge James Bond statue is now in front of you, along with several other smaller statues around him, one for each different Bond actor. Stupid father, he thinks that putting several spy-related stuff on your house is going to earn him your trust. Your relationship with your father is complicated. To you, he seems like the kind of madman that wants to use you to dominate the world. It looks like that he is simply trying to get close to you, but it's all part of a plan. That's what you think, at least.

You enter the kitchen. Several bottles of the finest liquor are in store: Scrumpy. Even though it's illegal, your father still has love for his old bottle of Scrumpy imported from Scotland, his home. Who the hell tries to raise a children while being a drunkard? You are clearly adopted, because you and him are not alike in any aspect. Neither Personality or Appearance. He says that he found you on a meteor. Poor man, the drinks make him believe that kind of thing.

On the fridge, there are some photos of him and you (as a baby). You grab one picture, not that you like him, but it's always nice to have family close, specially when you are about to go out on a huge storm. You go to the front door, and as you try to open it, you hear a "HAAEEE AT' EM LAAADS". You look at the stairs, as your father comes down from them in a weird wooden horse thing. His cape makes him look... Uh... Majestic.

You are now face-to-face. Face-to-MAN-face. There is no other way out of this. Your father smirks as you pull out your knife from your pocket. "Let's settle this like gentlemen!"- You say, as you get the knife ready.

At this moment, you hear a loud NO as a Scrumpy bottle hits you on the head. Ow, that really hurts! You scream in pain. Your father is laughing near the sofa: "HEHE YOUR ASS IS GRASS AND I'M THE GRASSMAN AY, PUM...ZZZZ" He fell asleep. Really? Out of pity, you cover him with a cute Scrumpy themed blanket and go out of the house. 

You are now Rick.

Cruxtruder, eh? You open it, revealing a weird ghostly ball that is now floating above it. You have no idea how this thing works. It does display a timer though, it says "40:00 to Reckoning".

Spy also deployed this machine called Totem Lathe and an Alchemiter in the expanded part of your room. The Cruxtruder is at the living room, where you are right now. Oh boy, what are you gonna do?

Professional Killer:  Hey m8

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS:  OH LOOK WHOS BACK

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS:  TIRED OF PLAYING WITH CROUTONS?

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS:  WELL GET READY BECAUSE AS SOON AS I FIND MY BRO, ILL BE JOINING YOUR SILLY GAME TOO

Professional Killer:  Nice 

Professional Killer:  Do you know whats a cruxtruder and a HOLY DOOLEY

YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN KICKASS:  I HAVE NO IDEA WHATS A HOLY DOOLEY

Professional Killer:  NO YOU BLOODY IDIOT, THERE WAS A HUGE CRASH OUTSIDE MY HOUSE

Professional Killer:  LIKE A METEOR, I GOTTA GO CHECK BRB

 

 

 

You look out of the window. A meteor has striken the wheat field, and more are coming in the sky.

"Damn spy, be quick about it..." - You say to yourself, worried about your father. You have no idea where he is. 

OHOHOH

What was that?

UAHAHAHA

The sound of a ghostly laugh? You'd recgonize it after watching Ghostbusters so many times.

YATATATATA

Alright, that sounded like a ghostly gun firing. A ghostly BIG gun.

You look over to the cruxtruder: The meteors have caused the Grandpa urn to fall inside it, and floating above it, is a big, chubby ghost, looking straight at you.

IT IS GOOD DAY TO BE GIANT GHOST MAN!

Aw, Crikey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/e/ef/Hendrix_hat.jpg


	6. Meet the Soldier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> HONOUR THE CROCKET, MAGGOTS

 

 

 

It's a warm day in Anderson, Indiana. Near a tiny lake, lies an apartment building. In one of these apartments, lies a weird 14 year kid wearing a helmet. 

What the hell is his name?

You, being the funny man you are, enter "MALFUNCTIONING POTATO-HEAD"

The boy gets angry and screams "Shut up, you Maggot!"

His name is actually JANE DOE. That's what he says, actually. It's more of a code-name.

Your name is JANE, but you usually go by SOLDIER. You are a fan of eating ribs, decent haircuts, and most of all, FIGHTING FOR AMERICA. You love WAR, It's simply wonderful. Most people, including your OLDER BROTHER say that you are stupid, but in fact, you like to read a lot. Your favorite title is THE ART OF WAR by SUN TZU. You scribbled through the whole book with a pen to make it more "Warific", and now it tells a lot more about digesting ribs and punching through ribcages. The thing that you are most proud of, is the name-change: "SUN ZOO". Your room is filled with  WAR posters, including a CAPTAIN AMERICA poster, a SAVING PRIVATE RYAN (best movie ever in your opinon) poster and a shelf with different kinds of FAKE GUNS. 

What will you do? 

You have the sudden urge to shit on your table, but luckily, you can control yourself. You examine the left side of your room:

Ah, gardening. The only thing that can make a man (kid) forget (for 5 min) about the Communist threat (noisy neighbours) out there. Your Shovel is currently in the melee slot of your inventory. As you have a more advanced inventory (thanks to your bro) you also have your secondary slot available. There is nothing in it though.

What about the helmet you are wearing? You kindly remember the day that piss-colored package came in from "Adelaide, Australia (Red House on the left)"

**Sup mate. Here you go. A birthday present. I know you like all those shitty americans war movies, so this is the perfect thing for you. I'll let you know that it's authentic and actually touched Tom Hanks dumb head during the time they were making Saving pvt Ryan. You must be thinking that I wasted my whole money on this, but no worries: I bought it for 50 Australian Dollars from an old movie producer that wanted to get rid of that worthless garbage.**

So mate, enjoy it - Snipes

Along with that letter, was an authentic American War Helmet, used by Tom Hanks during Saving Private Ryan's shooting. The best part is that it's signed by him, but on the other hand it's adult size, so it covers your eyes completely. You got used to it already, and now you can completely tell your surroundings without seeing much. 

Oh Sniper, you like that guy so much. You could never tell that to his face though, you act like the tough guy. You once thought that you were romantically attracted to him, but after that silly thought, you simply shrugged and said "Nah". You are not quite sure though.

One person you like, though, is the one that keeps changing name on Steam. How you love that guy/girl. You would marry her/him in a blink of an eye.

Croutons on the other hand, eugh.

Now, it's time to kick some ass and go play that game! 

You lost it though. You sadly remember 50 minutes ago.

You were in your room distracted by a fake Rocket Launcher you were mounting with glue and cardboard, when a pigeon came through your window. Those birds have been on your apartment since your bro started doing his weird experiments on the roof. The bird got the envelope, and you, in your Angry mood, threw the shovel at the bird, and it fell down, DEAD. You felt guilty by killing the innocent pigeon. You gave it a decent burial on one of your plant vases. You fired (not really) your Fake Shotgun three times before saying "Boo-Yah" and burying the bird. It now rests peacefully, and your plants now have fertilizer. The bad thing? Your SBURB Envelope was dropped in the river.

You come back to the future. Now, you have to go look for your bro. You open the door and then you become Spy.

You are now Spy. You are now outside your house. Ahead of you, is the little house your father had built for your dead parrot, Aberdeen. One day, he simply disappeared, and then reappeared the next one, with all his bones broken. Further autopsy revealed that he was crushed by something really HEAVY. On the side of this small bulding, is the power generator. Using little eletric tricks you saw on TV, you make an independent power outlet, with the energy stored in the Generator. All of this made you forgot the huge storm that right now, is piercing through your skin. For protection, you enter the little house. On the middle, is Aberdeen's coffin. You say "Excuse me, amigo" as you put the computer connected to the generator through a wire that enters the house by a little hole in the wall that leads directly to the generator.

You turn the computer on, but suddenly you remember: There is no internet connection.

"Oh, merde."

However, there is an available unprotected internet connection on the list: "D.Conagher Labs". It must belong to that big abandoned lab near your house. You connect to it and enter Steam.

 

 


	7. Grandpa Chubby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sniper and Spy are trying to understand Sburb while Soldier is being useless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Side-note: Their Sburb version is WAY different from the one you saw on Homestuck, which means no punch designixes or sylladexes and that stuff that could only make sense through a comic

 

 

"Hello tiny man!"

Says the ghost in front of you, with a bright smile.

"Uh, hi." 

You say, a bit scared.

"There is no need to be scared, tiny one! It's me! Grandpa Heavy!"

You give him a good look. He really looks like the your Grandpa. (You are taking his picture as reference, you never saw him before.) He wears a pair of small round glasses and is almost completely bald, except for a few lines of hair above his ear. His clothing looks like a vest with a nice tie inside it. Under that, is a big ghostly tail. 

"Riiiight." You risk. "So ,Gramps, I have only one way to put this. WOT IS GOING ON." 

"HOHOHO YOU ARE CLUELESS!"

The ghost is now laughing maniacally at you.

"I've been prototyped as your Sprite, didn't you play through the SBURB tutorial?"

"Uh, no." You raise an eyebrow, curious about this tutorial.

"Let Grandpa give you the quick version." He says as he puts on a pair of round glasses.

"When set of players start to play SBURB, they prototype something to become kind of guardian, which guides them through the game. This case, is me."

"Alright." You say. "So, what do I have to do now?"

"See that timer there?" He points to a small timer under the now-empty Cruxtruder, displaying 30 minutes and counting down.

"That is time you have to use that little totem-thingy that popped out of the Cruxtruder with me to get out of Earth before it blows up!" He says, letting out a happy laugh.

 

You are now Shitless Scared. (and also Soldier)

You close the door behind you. In front of you, is the tiny hallway of your tiny apartment. Hanging from the ceiling, are various weird baseball puppets. Your brother collects them (some are made by him himself) and then uses them for some weird purposes. He is one weird motherfucker. As your apartment is tiny, you have only 2 options, go to the kitchen at the end of the hallway or go to Bro's room. For now, you go to his room to check if his SBURB envelope is there. Maybe you don't even need to ask him. Maybe you can do this the sneaky style, like a SPY. You spit on the floor, and then silently open the door. No one is in there. Perfect. On his room, several Baseball posters and more Baseball puppets are scattered around. You enter the room, and walk up to his computer. Apparently, he was on a website called 'Batter SWING!" which is a baseball-themed porn thing. It's also made BY HIM, but you don't like to remember that. On the table, is a Cheetos bag and several small Baseball cards. (They are collectibles, he will probably kill you if you touch them). Something pats you on the shoulder. You grip your shovel, only to turn around and find out LIL' GABE sitting on the shelf behind you. Lil' Gabe is Bro's personal puppet, used not only for porn, but for fighting purposes. He is themed after some weird fat game designer you never heard about, but he is pretty cool. He speaks if you press his (big) tummy. You press it.

"I hope it was worth the weight"

Nice. Well, back to business. You notice a weird sword on the wall. It says "Half-Zatoichi" underneath. You get it, (because you always wanted to pretend you were a medieval AMERICAN warrior) swapping it for your SHOVEL. You'll come back for her later, you couldn't leave BETTY alone for so much time. You exit his room, closing the door behind you. (the perfect crime) And by the means of the famous raging shitstorm, you are now SPY.

Bond James Bond: I'm back. Sorry for my sudden disappearance.

Professional Killer: Whoa m8 u have no idea

Professional Killer: My grandpa is now back to life

Professional Killer: I mean

Professional Killer: As a ghost chubby thing

Professional Killer: But anyways he told me so much stuff about this game 

Professional Killer: Like how it involves REAL WORLD THREATS and how we can alchemize stuff to make MORE stuff 

Bond James Bond: You mean our lives are at stake here? Maybe inviting Soldier wasn't a bad idea. Maybe He'll die.

Professional Killer: I'm gonna leave you cold merciless killer alone for a while while I talk to Grandpa Chubby here

Bond James Bond: Alright. Meanwhile, I'll take a look at this weird laboratory around my house.

Professional Killer is now away.

 

Well, this is weird. So you can all die by playing this silly game? Maybe it wasn't a good idea to play it. And even, invite Soldier to play with you. You wouldn't admit it, but you actually care for him. Like an older brother would do. You gaze off in your thoughts, waking up when a big thunder cracks out there. The sudden noise makes you a bit excited, and you get up quickly. You notice a sign on the wall saying "Alternate Entrance to Laboratories". Underneath it, a hatch leads to the underground. Hm. So this leads to the big laboratory. It's worth a shot. You open the hatch, looking behind once to see if your stuff is well organized. Another big thunder cracks, and you suddenly don't feel good anymore. You open the coffin, and get the dead Parrot. (for some reason, he never decomposed) Touching your parrot made a new slot open up in your inventory: The MISC slot. Now you have a Melee, and a misc. Perfect. With the dead parrot at your shoulder, you descend into the bulding.

**You mean I can wear HATS???!**

"Of course!" Says Pappa Heavy.

"You can also have a SECONDARY WEAPON, a PRIMARY WEAPON, a HEADGEAR, 2 MISCS and an ACTION SLOT."

Whoa. Suddenly this game got a lot more interesting. You always wanted to wear different kinds of headgear.

"How do I get that stuff, Pappa?"

"You will unlock new slots during game, everytime you find new item for each slot! In fact, let me show you something."

He floats up to the fireplace, where his ashes once stood, and looks up to his own big portrait. He presses a hidden button on the portrait's nose, that reveals a small  secret compartment behind the wall. He pulls something out of there and turns to you:

"This," He pauses for a second, closing his eyes."Was a gift that my brother gave me before he left. I used it during many fights during my younger days, and now, it belongs to you."

He hands to you and old Thompson SMG. Your secondary slot is unlocked, and the STRANGE SMG is attached to it.

"Whoa, thanks mate!" You say, excited. "But why does it says Strange?"

"It's a weapon that count kills. The more kills you get, the more levels it gets. I promised to my brother that I wouldn't show to anyone the harm I did to people during the war, so I resetted it to 0 before I went home"

You notice a tear. You better change subjects quickly, he seems pretty touched. You never knew he had a brother.

"Well, Pappa" You begin "Let's shoot some stuff, shall we?"

His sad face suddenly becomes a bright, sparkly smile, and he says:

"Of course! There is so many things I need to show Baby Snipes!"

And then you are Spy. You are deep down within the facility, which has the "D.Conagher: I Make Things" logo displayed on almost every wall. The logo is the aforementioned phrase above a yellow hardhat. You suddenly come across a big room, with all the lights off. A bit scared, you step in the room. 

All the lights go on, and the room is showed to be a BIG GUN DEPOSIT. Several automated Sentries turn on and point directly to you. A voice on a speaker says "Makin' Bacon!"

You close your eyes and wish your Dad was here.


	8. Pester Fortress 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THEY START USING PESTERCHUM THOSE MAGGOTS

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
"You see" Grandpa begins, looking at you. You two are now at the stairs.

"The original version of SBURB, played by other people long ago, included lots of differents weird Shenanigans. Me, as first Sprite of game, have the ability to change  features. I have changed things so game is now more "compatible" with you and your friends. I call it  **"Sburb Fortress 2"**.

You raise an eyebrow. You can barely understand him due to his thick Russian Accent.

"This version of SBURB, just like the first, involves class-based multiplayer and fighting. But I have completely removed the Sylladex system, and implemented a new, easier to understand, inventory system. I have changed the classes, and now there are three major roles: Attack, Defense and Support. Each class has one special ability and focuses on one role of the game only. That way, Team Work is strictly necessary so that you survive.

"Hmm." You say.

"What is my class?"

"That," he smiles - "You find out on your own."

"Nooooiiice. So, what do I have to do with those Totems and Alchemizers, or whatever they're named?"

"I can help with that, but for now, you should get friends to use interspacial Chat Client. Steam barely gets job done.

"Wot?"

"I'd recommend Pesterchum. And now, I have to go. Good luck on your own!"

"WAIT" you say as he vanishes with a happy laugh. On the floor, in front of you, a little Sandwich drops. It says "Bite for Help". You guess it's like a Genie of the Lamp thing, so you better save it for when you REALLY need him.

You turn to the little totem thing.

"Wonder what would happen if I put this on the other devices."  
You put it on your MELEE slot, and your Kukri falls out. You can't forget to put it back later. You enter your room, slamming the door on the Totem Lathe , that is just against the door.

"Bloody Spy" You say to yourself as you stretch to enter the room. You give the Totem a good look before putting it on the Totem Lathe. The device begins spinning, and a robotic hand starts imprinting patterns on the Totem. You guess this will take a while. Meanwhile, you go to your PC to check this Pesterchum. You close the Steve Irwin (RIP) documentary you were watching and google it. You download the file and select it. Hm, it's a simple chat client in which you can apparently "Connect from other Worlds!(TM)". You are prompted to enter a "Chumhandle".

You choose "sydneyHunter", proud of your nation. Also because Sydney is the only place of Australia that outsiders will recognize .

You go to Steam one last time to tell your friends about Pesterchum. You send them a message with the download link and "INSTALL ASAP". You send it to Pypes too because he/she is too lovely to be left out. 

 

 

Professional Killer: Pesterchum.exe INSTALL ASAP

 

 

 

 

 

What is this, a chat client? Well, if Sniper said ASAP, you guess it's better if you install it.

You choose the handle heartlandHelmet, a true patriot.

Click click. Of course. After almost a full decade deactivated, the guns are unloaded. You let out a sigh of relief. You even cried a bit. You wipe away the tears and pull out your computer. (that you brought with you to the underground, along with the Parrot)

You sit at the facility's floor, giving the Sentries one last worried look before opening Steam.

Professional Killer: Pesterchum.exe INSTALL ASAP

 

 

 

 

 

A chat client? But why? You install it anyways. Maybe it's necessary for the game.

You choose the tag sneakyStabber.

 

 

Meanhile, in the middle of Madagascar's jungle, in a big tower, an automated robot selects the file and chooses a Handle.

"handyScorch"

The robot goes down, and a kid with a gas mask wakes up. He looks down to her fingers, covered by his fire-resistant gloves. Lots of small strings are tied around them, so that she doesn't forget stuff. The bad thing? He doesn't remember anything. Except a file called "Pesterchum.exe".

She runs over to her computer, that is on the floor.

The Totem Lathe finished carving the Totem. Now, it has the shape of a jar. Inside of it, a mysterious yellow liquid floats. You get the small Jar, examining it. You try to open it, only to hurt your hand and nails in the process. Out of options, you bite the Sandwich.

"OHAHAHA", you hear as a chubby ghost comes out of the olive on top of the Sandwich.

"Hey pappa" you begin. "What do I do now?"

"Well, now you have to break Jar and go to Medium. I made things lot easier on Sburb Fortress 2, so getting to your world is very easy now!"  
"My what?"

"World. Your personal world, where you have to fulfill lots of quests to complete the game's main objective?"

"Which would be?" You say, as you look to the jar. When you look up, Pappa is gone. However, he left a small book on the floor. You pick it up. It says:

" **Radigan's Conagher art of Building and Shooting"**

  
**  
**Wot the bloody hell is this? You leave it aside for awhile and examine the PC: Someone is contacting you on Pesterchum.

\-- handyScorch [HS] began pestering sydneyHunter [SH] \--

HS: Hey Snipes!  
HS: Whats this Pesterchum about? Its pretty nifty!  
SH: Well Pypes  
SH: Its something my resurrected dead grandpa now in form of a ghost told me to use if I wanted to survive  
HS: Uh.  
SH: I went too fast didnt I  
SH: Sorry m8  
HS: Snipes, thats not even the weirdest thing I heard today since lunch, and also, all these meteors are falling on my island and the villagers are getting agitaded.  
HS: And also OH!  
SH: Wot  
HS: Another one just came down. You know, my grandpa said that if I ever left the tower,  
HS: I WOULD DIE. But Im too curious now. Im leaving. Maybe I can even get out of Madagascar by now!  
SH: Alright one thing though  
HS: Yes?  
SH: Careful out there  
HS: Love you, Snipes <3

 

 

 

You sit for a while trying to figure something out. Not what is this "Medium", not how Soldier and Spy are doing, not the Raging Meteors falling out there and not how did he/she got your Chumhandle before you even told your friends. You are trying to figure how does she/he eats.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PHOTOSYNTHESIS


	9. Meet the Pyro

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> <3

 

 

 

 

**"The bells on top of the highest towers ring. The Queen calls for her protector. I enter the throne room. My Queen smiles. For her, I would do anything. I am her Guardian. I fly through orange towers looking for danger. I have fun with mute white creatures. They don't need to say anything, they are my friends and are like me. That's all. I peacefully play through the Orange City. The alarm clock rings. I wake up.**

It's a warm day in Antsiranana, Madasgacar. In the middle of the Jungle, lies a big tower. Hundreds of small lemurs play around the trees that surround the tower. At ground level, a bunch of small kids play Soccer with a small ball.

  **"D. Conagher Industries"** is displayed with shining lights on the top of the tower. Inside it, a silly kid sleeps peacefully. His Donald Duck alarm clock rings. The kid wakes up, letting out a big yawn. 

What's her name? You enter:

" **Mumbling Abomination"**

Uhhh, no! his name is **Payton Parker** **P. Conagher.**

  
**  
**Or, as everyone calls you, (due to your Internet Nickname) the **Pyro.**

  
**  
**Your name is PYRO. You are a happy kid that lives in a big tower on Madagascar with your Grandpa. He was a famous explorer back in the 60s, known for his Advances on the Engineering field. You love, on top of everything, FIRE. It's one of the world's most wonderful things. You love STUDYING FIRE, WATCHING FIRE, AND MAKING FIRE. Sadly, you were born with a BREATHING DISEASE. You can only breathe by means of a GAS MASK with oxygen your Grandpa developed. It's sad, but no one says a thing about it. Your friends would like you even if you were a raging maniac on fire. Your other interests include taking care of ANIMALS that get hurt in the Jungle and browse through FURRY FORUMS. Your friends call you a FURFAG because of that, but you don't care. Everything there is so <3\. On the walls of your room, are glued several posters of fire-men and anatomy of the fire element. On one wall, is your Playstation 2. You have lots of fire-simulator games, but your favourite of all time is Final Fantasy. The characters are so GODAMN HANDSOME.

You remember telling Sniper that you were gonna check on the agitated lemurs, but then you fell asleep. That's one of your problems, you sleep all the time. 

You remember a Orange city in your dreams, and you also saw Sniper sleeping in a tower. Other than that, your memory is blurred, even though you spend most of your time at the Orange City.

What will you do?

Your Computer (Scooby-doo themed) displays a new message, with a downloadable file: 

 

Professional Killer: Pesterchum.exe INSTALL ASAP

 

 

 

What is this? Some kind of chat client?  Why would Sniper send you that? Is it related to his game? But you aren't playing it! Well, you never refuse something a friend asks, so you install it and choose a ChumHandle. Suddenly, you remember something from a long time ago.

**You and your Grandfather had just arrived to Madagascar. You were happily playing around in the grass while he was talking to the villagers. Then, this helmeted man appeared. You don't remember much, but he told about Pesterchum, and sydneyHunter, sneakyStabber and heartlandHelmet. He soon disappeared, much to your curiosity.**

  
**  
**You remember those names and add them all on Pesterchum. You don't know if they truly are your friends, but you risk it anyways. You contact sydneyHunter.

And then you proceed to have the same talk we saw last chapter.

Now it's time to take actions into your OWN HANDS. Yes, hands, because you don't have any weapons. You are a peaceful person. You are not even using your hands,  who the hell uses their FISTS to fight? Seriously.

You go to the window and take a good look outside. Some birds are flying in circles, while small lemurs jump in the trees. The kids play with no concern. What a beautiful day.

 

Meanwhile, on Adelaide, a kid sits in his room thinking about photosynthesis. A BOOM sound snaps your attention. The timer displays "30 seconds".

"Shit, shit, SHIT."

You run to the small jar, picking it up.

"Godamn, how do I open this?"

You keep biting it, scratching it, with no results. You even break a nail on the process. Out there, the shitstorm is raging.

"Aw, fuck this. Bombs away!"

You throw the jar at the floor, breaking it and wetting yourself with the liquid.

A white flash is all you can see, as your house begins trembling.

 

**Meanwhile, years in the future, a Grumpy Foreigner finds ruins of a bottle-like bulding.**

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos for you if you figure out who's the exile.  
> Hint: Look at the initials.

**Author's Note:**

> The text colours indicate if they are in-game (blu = online only, green = in-game)


End file.
